The worst part about making mistakes is that you can't go back and un-make them. I've made quite a few mistakes in my life, but most of them have simply hurt me. This is not the case with my latest one. Sometimes sorry isn't enough to make it right again and I think that on this instance that appears to be a valid perception on my part.
It seems as though I just took ten giant leaps backward after finally making at least two huge steps forward. It's amazing how one stupid act of defiance, or selfishness or whatever anyone wants to call it can stop you in your tracks and cause you to start all over again.
I seem bound and determined to go down this road alone and I know I don't, in reality, want to, but I leave people no choice but to lose faith and abandon ship.
I know I'm beating myself up on this, but what else can I do? I'm not sure I can ever get the love back that I helped make go away, and I'm not sure I have the strength left to try. It took months to gain that love and years to weaken it to a point where I nearly lost it. It is almost surely too much to ask for it to be strong again, that is if it isn't now completely gone.
I need this love, I want this love, I love this love, but I can't make this love, love me back.
I've been working so hard to make good changes, to learn new ways, healthy ways to live and to love and all it took was one falter, one slip, one moment of unhealthy thinking and actions to fuck up something I had finally rebuilt.
So, now I'm back to being alone even with someone lying right next to me. I'm back to crying alone in the dark because I'm ashamed of crying over my own mistake.
I was so close to hearing the words I've longed to hear again for a very long time. Words like, I'm happy you're in my life or I'm lucky to have you, or you are one of the best things in my life, or you're my best friend, and most of all, I'm IN love with you again.
I've held on and held out to hear that again. I've worked hard, worked on myself, owned my faults, my demons, my weaknesses, I've been more honest than ever about my needs and my dreams and my love, but BOOM!!! Just like that, one shot and I'm back with my tail between my legs, begging God to give me the strength to make this right again.
I keep thinking if I cry as much as I can now, I won't have any tears left when this ends and with less tears, there will be less pain.
If only I could be right about that one but really, the truth is, that it's more what I've been told before, and that is that I'm just such a baby.
I don't want to give up on this, but I feel like maybe I should just give in, cry uncle, throw up the flag of surrender and just let it go.
The last thing I want to say on this subject, well it's more of a question really, and that is, am I the only one fighting for this to survive? If the answer is no, then there is still hope. If the answer is yes, well then, I have my answer, don't I?
Goodnight and Peace.
SD
